


School Spirit!

by Overtlytextual



Category: Gentleman Jack (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - America, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cheerleader! Ann, F/F, Football Player! Anne, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, ann is the gorgeous head cheerleader and queen of the school, anne is the long haired butch poet turned jock of our dreams, slow burn but for like 5 min
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 11:39:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19767439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Overtlytextual/pseuds/Overtlytextual
Summary: The only thing harder than making it through high school as a lesbian loser? Making it through high school while you're in love with your best friend.





	School Spirit!

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone! this story has been in my head since before i finished Baked to Perfection. i was inspired by this photo: https://badasswomen.tumblr.com/post/30901907732/erin-dimeglio-a-17-year-old-may-be-the-first and this is just really sweet idea to me. for those of you who have read my previous work, i am hoping that this one will be a lot more cohesive and feature better writing. i came to this realization after reading the work in its totality and reading some of your guy's feedback. there was almost no planning involved in Baked to Perfection, and that has changed-there will be three chapters in total that have already been storyboarded. in addition, my chapters are also going to be a lot longer. i hope these changes are for the positive and that they make my writing more enjoyable to read. thank you again for starting on this ride with me!

Needless to say, the town of Halifax, Ohio was currently performing strongly in the competition for "Most Boring Thing in the World", trailed only by chemistry labs and watching beige paint dry. As Shipden High's only resident lesbian, Anne had spent most of her school career writing sappy, sapphic poetry and generally trying to avoid the douche-y straight boys. It wasn't all bad; she was the president of the GSA, which gave her a sense of control as well as unfettered access to the school's extensive collection of after-hours snacks. In addition to her classes, Anne also managed _Euphony,_ the school literary magazine, a sometimes tedious but ultimately rewarding labor of love. As she got ready for her first day of senior year, she couldn’t help but feel a little tug at her heartstrings as she realized that this was the last year she'd be ensconced within this little boring bubble. She'd miss her room and all its posters and quiet corners. She'd miss her school crew, which consisted of Washington and Booth, cousins who were constantly up to no good and looked at Anne like she was some sort of anarchist leader. She would even miss her annoying older sister Marian, who constantly nagged her as though she was a second mother. And then of course, there was...

"Anne? Earth to Ann!! Come on, we're going be late, and we can't be late, it's the first day, for God's sake!" her neighbor said, popping her beautiful blonde head into Anne's room before running back down the stairs.

Ann Walker. She was everything Anne was not: feminine, likeable, and popular. Ann was the student body president, head of the cheerleading squad, and even freaking _homecoming queen_. Despite her angelic outer persona, Ann was one of the only people in her life who really told it to her straight-they were that close Anne didn't have many good friends; most women found her scary and most men were threatened by her. After she had come out publicly, much of the school had completely ostracized her, and Anne had experienced some violent, visceral bullying. But never from Ann. The two stayed close through it all. They did almost everything together. Ann baked cookies with her, watched movies with her, even went on ill-fated camping trips to Crow's Nest Forest with her. When she started to gain popularity at the beginning of high school, Anne had feared that their relationship would fade into the background, much like she did. But the opposite was true; Ann showed up to every GSA meeting and defended her to every one of her stuck up "friends" at the top of the food chain, always pulling her along to all the school's events and forcing her to stay engaged, making sure she didn't turn into the hermit she was often wont to be. Not only had she lived next door from Anne since they had been kids, but they had also been best friends for almost as long. And oh, yeah, she was also the love of Anne's life.

She knew it was cliché. Lesbian falling for her straight best friend? It was right out of a young adult romance novel. But she couldn't help it. Ann was such a loving, gentle soul. She remained loyal to her above all else. And it didn't hurt that she looked like she had walked off a photoshoot and straight into Anne's life. Her soft skin, the smell of her hair, her shimmery blue eyes, those sensual, dangerous curves...Anne shook her head. It wouldn't do to get herself worked up before she had to go to school.

Anne would do anything for her. But it wouldn't change the fact that she was straight. And the fact that she had a boyfriend. And the fact that said boyfriend was the school quarterback, Thomas Ainsworth, as well as one of her fiercest bullies back in the day. Of course, Anne didn't have the heart to tell her best friend about that. She had just been so excited and seemed so happy, Anne couldn't let her down, even if it broke her. These tiny cracks in their friendship, the secrets she kept from Ann, sometimes felt like giant rifts. Their relationship was so close and so honest, even these little white lies seemed like a big deal. But it was important for Anne not to let her love and jealousy affect their friendship.

And besides, this year was going to be her year. Despite the fact that she had never played organized sports before, and all the people on the school sports teams were men, this year Anne was going to go out for football. She had always loved the sport, ever since her older brother, a budding football star, had noticed her interest in it and started practicing with her. When he died her sophomore year in a freak car accident, she thought she may never play again. For many months, every time she looked at his worn cleats and pads, all she wanted to do was cry. But it didn't last forever. She can remember one crisp fall morning last year, when she was suddenly filled with this energy, much like when she was writing a particularly intense poem. She got up and immediately put on his old stuff, practicing her spirals and drills. Ann had come out of her house, roused from sleep by Anne's harsh training regimen. She was still in her pajamas, wrapped up in a blanket, just standing on her front porch, watching her play with a passion she hadn't seen in quite some time. Anne couldn't tell, perhaps it was just the early morning sunlight glinting off her, but it looked like there was a spark in her eyes as she regarded her with an expression Anne still couldn't explain.

Maybe, just maybe, this would be the year Ann would see her in a different way. Anne looked into her bedroom mirror and willed it to be true.

Anne left her room and headed downstairs, where she found Ann conversing tiredly with her Marian, who was already dressed for work. Across the kitchen, she shot Anne a look that said, " _save me"._ In response, Anne merely flashed her keys, having taken them out of the keyring that rested on her belt. Ann smiled gratefully and excused herself, following Anne out the door and into her beat up old truck. As Ann got buckled, Anne regarded her. In true Ann fashion, she was wearing a fluttery pink dress and her favorite nude ballet flats, her hair swept prettily into a low bun. Some of the tendrils had escaped, framing her face with little wispy golden blonde curls. Anne wanted to tell her she looked like a Botticelli painting, like Aphrodite herself. But she couldn't, she reminded herself. It was dangerous to let herself notice Ann's beauty too much. So, she settled for her usual snark instead.

"Interesting outfit for the first day back at our _boring_ high school. Tell me, is this look more queen of the school or teacher's pet? I haven't decided yet..." Anne trailed off, smirking over at her as she started the car.

"Oh, very funny! At least I bought this in the last decade. Meanwhile, _your_ outfit looked like it was last owned by old Mr. Briggs down the road," Ann quipped without even glancing up from her bookbag, which she was currently trying to stuff an overloaded pencil case into.

"Excuse me, I'll have you know that this button-up is very classy. I got it from the thrift store, and not only does it have these cute little sailboats on them, it was also a very sensible purchase," Anne explained defensively.

"Is that your way of telling me it cost three dollars?" Ann asked, eyebrows raised.

"Maybe." Anne respond shortly, shooting Ann a dirty look.

The rest of the car ride was spent discussing the upcoming football tryouts, which were a week from now. As excited as she was, Anne had to make sure she would even be allowed to join the team. Ann told her that that Title IX upheld her right to participate in any sports teams, but she wouldn't put it past the conservative institution that was her high school to try to push the envelope. To them, the only thing worse than breaking the law was upsetting the status quo. Anne resolved to talk to her gym teacher, a middle-aged ginger woman named Mrs. Coordingly, about the matter after the school day was over. She was reasonable and had always liked Anne, and she would know exactly how to handle the situation. After Anne maneuvered the truck into a parking space, the two girls found themselves standing outside the school building. Because of her busy schedule, Anne knew that she wouldn't see Ann until after her cheerleading practice at the end of the day, so this was goodbye for now. Ann turned around to look at Anne as she entered the double doors. She could feel the tiles sweating already in the warm, late-summer heat, which only served to make her more anxious.

"Listen, I know it's intimidating, but this football thing is going to be fine. I've seen you play-you're great! They'd be crazy not to let you on the team once they see that. Plus, I'm going to to talk to Thomas and see if he would speak to Coach Priestley for you, to put in a good word about you trying out and all. But I do have to admit, I am a little curious about _why_ exactly you're doing it? I mean, you've always sort of abhorred that crowd, I know you have. So why now?" Ann implored.

Anne's brain buzzed. She had no reasonable, _heterosexual_ explanation for this. Her grand plan would be uncovered in a second. _Abort! Abort!_ her mind screamed. Before she could open her mouth, however, Ann caught sight of Eugenie, her co-captain on the squad. All of a sudden, she saw the mask Ann wore for all others except her slip into place as she moved to greet her.

"Eugenie, hi! Oh, Anne, I'm sorry, I have to go, but good luck with Coordingly, you'll be brilliant, I just know it," Ann yelled over her shoulder as she walked away.

"T-thanks, bye!" Anne tried to shout back over the crowd forming in the blue and white checkered hallway, but Ann didn't turn back around again, engrossed as she was in her conversation with Eugenie about the prom planning committee. Anne sighed as several lost freshman bumped into her prone form, standing alone as the bell rang throughout the building. Man, she had it bad.

The day seemed to drag on the longer it lasted. Anne usually enjoyed the mental challenges her classes provided her with, but today, the clock couldn't go fast enough. At lunch, after the sixth glance at her watch in as many minutes, Booth, who was sitting next to her, put down his plastic spork and looked at her with complete confusion.

"Lister, what in the devil is going on with you today? You've been as fidgety as a firefly this whole time. And why do you keep looking over at the popular douchebag boys table? You aren't reconsidering the whole "lesbian" thing, are you...?" John trailed off, following Anne's gaze to where Ann stood, Ainsworth's sinewy arm wrapped around her waist as she laughed gently at something he said. "Oh, I see now. You stupid, whipped, lesbian, you're really in the deep end now," John said sympathetically, shaking his head at the sight of Anne's longing eyes glimmering with affection for the other girl.

John's rude but albeit accurate comment broke Anne out of her worshipful reverie.

"Fuck you," Anne retorted with no heat.

"Is that by any chance code for, "you're right, I _do_ want to go scream at the sky every time I see my straight best friend of fifteen years with her meathead boyfriend?" asked Washington, who had just joined the table's conversation after wolfing down his bologna sandwich.

"Seriously, the last time I had that look on my face, we had just gotten that box of illegal fireworks off of E-bay," remarked Booth.

"Will you two quit it? Yes, I am distracted by my hot best friend standing over there, okay, but what really been eating at me is this conversation I'm going to have with Coordingly later today about the whole football thing," Anne replied honestly. "It was always an important sport to my brother, and I want to do him proud."

"Is that the _only_ reason you're doing this?" asked John, unimpressed with her answer.

"Well, you know, maybe if Ann could see that I'm strong and tough, it'd make her reconsider, I guess. Show her that she doesn't need to date a gross boy in order to feel like she's with someone who's got game-that _I've_ got all the game she needs. That's what I thought, and I realize that no external factors can really change a person's sexuality, and now that I'm saying it, I feel stupid as shit but-"

"Hey, we get it. The tryout is important to you. But you know Coordingly is going to say yes. Esveryone knows that the school gym teacher and the school lesbian always have a powerful alliance," said Washington in a matter-of-fact tone. "Besides, she's one of the only teachers in this school that doesn't care about asinine bullshit like cliques. She's going to respect that you're breaking out of the mold and trying something different," he reassured her.

"Speaking of trying something new, how about we put a Whoopie cushion under Principal Priestley’s chair tomorrow before free period? I've missed seeing her turn that shade of red all summer."

After that contribution from John, the conversation got significantly less helpful.

Finally, after an eternally long algebra class, it was the end of the school day. Anne trudged to the south side of the school, where the shoebox athletic offices were tucked away in a narrow hallway. Coordingly knew she was coming, thanks to her carefully worded email a week before school started, so she simply knocked. When she heard an affirmative grunt from the other side of the door, Anne took a deep breath, turned the knob, and let herself in, taking a seat in the rickety old chair in front of her desk.

"Alright, Lister, what is this about? Can we make this quick, I have to make sure those snobs on the tennis team put their equipment away in the proper bins," said Coordingly, almost as though she was bored.

"Oh, yeah, of course. I was just wondering...would it be alright if I went out for football this year? I know there are no girls on the team, and that it would be a bit odd, but-"

"That sounds great. I support it completely," Coordingly replied, not looking up from the paperwork she was filling out. "'Bout time a girl showed those boys that they aren't all that and a bag of chips, and I think you might just be the one to do it."

"R-really? It's that easy?" Anne asked, shocked that she hadn't had to employ any of the twelve points she had come up with prior to the meeting in order to convince her to let her try out.

"I'm not saying that. You still have to make the team, and if you do, you'll have to deal with the consequences. It may get ugly. But legally, I can't prevent you from trying out, and personally, I know you're doing this for the right reasons, out of a genuine love for the sport, and that's more than I can say for most of that group. Besides, the Miners have had a losing streak longer than a mile. Maybe they just need some new talent to shake something loose in them?" Coordingly suggested with a sly smile. "I'll let know Coach Priestley know you're planning on trying out, and he'll expect to see you there. Now I really do need to get to the tennis courts, so beat it, kid."

"Thank you, Mrs. Coordingly, I mean it, really," Anne said earnestly, getting up to leave.

"Best of luck, Lister. You'll need it."

After packing up her locker for the day, Anne realized that it was almost time to pick Ann up from practice so that she could drive them both home. As she made her way to the fields, she wondered for the umpteenth time today whether or not this was a good idea. Despite the encouragement from everyone around her, she was still having doubts. Maybe she should just stick to being the weird, liberal, alternative poet who sat at the front of the class? Anne thought back to a few years previously, when she was still being tormented by Ainsworth and his gang. _You'll never be anything, dyke!_ they would sneer in her face as they pushed her up against the lockers.

As scary as those memories were, there was still some part of her that longed to best them, to prove them wrong. There was still some part of her that believed what they said was true. Yes, she was hoping that Ann might be impressed by it, but she was really doing to for herself. To uphold and honor her brother's memory was by far the most noble thing she could aim to do, and she knew that if he had been alive, he would have wanted to be on the field. Anne let that thought stay with her as she moved outside and across the parking lot to where the cheerleaders were finishing up their first meeting. When Ann saw the other girl walking her way, she bid her squad goodbye and jogged to meet her halfway.

"How'd it go?" Ann asked nervously, looking like she anticipated bad news.

Anne's face broke into a smile as she shared the news: "They're going to let me try out."

Instead of responding with words, Ann pulled her into a tight hug, squealing with glee.

"I knew it, I just knew it! This is great news-I'm so happy for you, we have to celebrate after! Girl's night in at your place next week? I'd come over tonight, but Elizabeth wants me to meet her gross new boyfriend and I have to be home for dinner."

Anne rolled her eyes at Ann's enthusiasm. "Alright, but we're ordering pizza from Giorgio’s, okay? You know how much I hate Donatella's cheese..."

"Fine, as long as I get to pick the movie. I swear to God, if I have to sit through another documentary on coal mining, I'll-"

"But that one was so interesting, are you kidding me?"

The two girls bickered the whole way to Ann's house, where she was dropped off with the promise to act out her best impression of "Captain Sutherland" over breakfast the next day. Anne smiled as she watched Ann walk to her door and let herself in. As much as she pined for their relationship to be something more, she couldn't help but feel grateful for the version of Ann that she got to see. Ann to the rest of the world was a people pleaser, a golden heart, and something of a goody two-shoes if Anne was being honest. Parents loved her, girls wanted to be her, and boys wanted to sleep with her. And Ann valued that reputation, and protected it with everything she had, even if it meant sometimes sacrificing her own happiness. But Anne saw more. She watched her face as she sketched out a new drawing in her notebook. She saw sad Ann, cuddly Ann, sensitive Ann, snarky and sarcastic Ann, angry and disappointed Ann, and she loved her in every shade. Anne knew that when the other girl looked into her eyes that she was seeing the _real_ her, warts and all. As she felt a warmth spread throughout her chest on her way to her own home, Anne realized John was right-she _was_ whipped. Anne arrived at her house and went straight up to bed, burying her face in her pillow. Being in love was exhausting.

_One week later..._

There was only ever one thing that could take her mind off of Ann, and that was football. Now, thoughts of her were even worming their way into her brain while she was practicing for tryouts, which were coming up later today. Anne couldn't sleep, so she decided instead to get up with the sun and feel her hands wrap around the ball, letting the rounded object ground her. She felt her heart thumping solidly in her chest as she lined up to kick the ball, watching as it flew into the sky above her. After a long while, it came down with a thud. Anne simply watched it for a minute, not hearing the sound of the door opening up next door.

"Morning, champ," Ann said quietly, cupping a mug of hot tea in her hands. Anne loved seeing her like this; hair down and mussed, no makeup on, wrapped up in sweats despite the still- warm September air. "That throw looked great."

Anne merely smiled back weakly-she knew Ann would be sweet and encouraging towards her even if she kicked the ball two inches. All the compliments in the world from Ann wouldn't be enough to secure her slot on the team. She was alone, truly alone in this quest. Only her and her skills on the field would be enough to get what she wanted. For a team sport, it surprised Anne how lonely football had become in her mind. Perhaps, even if she did manage to make the team, she would still feel this deep solitary feeling that seemed to follow her around for as long as she could remember. Ann seemed to sense that she was deep in thought as she moved off her perch on the porch and towards her. She always did know how to tell when Anne was feeling her most vulnerable. Ann came close, twining her arms around Anne's neck. For a minute, she simply looked in Anne's eyes unflinchingly, perhaps trying to read their depths. What she said next however, surprised Anne.

"You're so brave, you know that, right?"

It took Anne a second to gather her thoughts before responding. "Not as brave as you. You're the one who agrees to get on top of a pyramid of girls and allows them to launch you into the air," Anne said back with no energy, trying to make light of the situation. Ann didn't buy it for a minute. She could always see through her so easily...

"You know that's not what I mean. Sometimes, I watch you, and I wish I could be more like you. You're not afraid of anything. You do everything with such confidence. And you don't care what anyone says. You're singular and special and strong. There aren't very many people like you that. I... I just wanted to tell you that before you go out there today. Others may not see it, but I do. No matter what happens today, I'll still believe that about you, do you understand?" Ann finished her speech. For a while, nothing was said between them-Anne didn't trust herself to speak at this moment. After a while, she pulled Ann into a hug. She finally found her words when at last their searing eye contact was broken.

"Thank you, Ann. I needed to hear that. You always know just what to say to make me feel better," Anne said, hoping the warmth of her words diffused into Ann's skin so she could physically feel what she was trying to say.

"Well, I wouldn't be much of a best friend if I didn't, now would I?" Ann replied from over her right shoulder, her voice almost seeming distorted because of her positioning. Anne checked her watch over Ann's back, breaking the embrace when she realized what time it was.

"I've got to go get ready for school and such. I'll see you later Annie," Anne said as she was walking away, employing her childhood nickname for her.

"Good luck, Freddie," Ann responded in kind, going back inside her house.

Anne smiled as she heard her own nickname thrown out. She remembers the day she got it: When Ann and her family moved into the neighborhood, Ann had originally thought Anne was a boy. When they first met, Ann, being her precocious self, told her as much, after Anne had corrected her. "You don't look like an Anne, you look like, like a Freddie!" she had said. The two kids found so much amusement in that little phrase that the name stuck. Anne had forgotten how easy it used to be back then, before she knew how to be ashamed of who she was, before that damage had been done to her heart. When Ann looked at her like that, however, she remembered. Freddie wouldn't have run away from this challenge, just like she wasn't afraid to climb trees or jump off the diving board at the pool. Freddie could do it. Anne just had to let her.

Unlike the week before, the school day flew by, and before she knew it, Anne's legs were walking her out to the field to try out. She changed into her pads and cleats in the girl's bathroom, die to the fact that there was no women's locker room. As she approached the field, she noticed the other guys trying out starting to look up in confusion, wondering what she was doing in her gear. She saw Ainsworth and Sowden, his best friend, exchange dirty looks. Before they could get in a word in edgewise, however, Coach Priestley clapped her on the shoulder in greeting.

"Lister, thanks for coming out to the tryouts. What positions do you play?" Priestley asked.

"Pleasure's all mine, Coach. I can do it all; kicker, wide receiver, quarterback, whatever you need, I'm ready to give," Anne responded.

"Great-we'll start you as kicker, we've needed one since Bryant hurt his foot," Priestley answered back with a tight smile. Anne had always felt a little sorry for the coach. He was married to their sadistic school principal, and she knew how important coaching the team and having an outlet away from her was to him. She didn't want to let him down. 

The people trying out were split up into two teams, and Ann put on the sweaty jersey that separated her and the others in from the other half of the team. As soon as she took her position on the field, everything was blocked out. All she saw was the ball and the end zone. It was like she was the only one on the field. She dodged, weaved, blocked, and kicked her way through the competition. After she began the practice as a kicker, she was then flipped to play running back and on the defensive line. Anne even managed to make a pass or two. Ainsworth looked particularly furious when she prevented him from assisting in the second one. She instead passed to Thomas Sowden, Sam Sowden's mild-mannered cousin. He was a gentle giant with nothing in common with his older relative, but he knew how to play hard and was twice the wide receiver. Her belief in him paid off when they worked together to get the ball further down the field, keeping it out of possession of the others. It was all a blur. Before she knew it, she heard the coach's whistle blow, signaling the end of the tryout.

"Alright, boys, and, uh, girl. Thank you all for trying out. I've come to my decision. I've decided to keep everyone currently on the team in the positions they were playing last year. That means there is only one position left on the team to fill, which is the kicker."

Anne felt her stomach drop as the realization sunk in-she was competing for only one slot, and there had been over a dozen guys vying to make the team. Although she was asked to play as a kicker to start out with, she was moved early on in the scrimmage. She braced herself for the bad news, looking down towards the green grass that lay at her feet.

"Lister. Congratulations, you're on the team. We practice right after school every day, two hours. Games are once every week and a half. Again, thank you all for trying out, better luck next year. This practice is over, have a good night everyone." Priestley said plainly, clearly ready to go home and put earplugs in to drown out the sound of Mrs. Priestley's screaming.

Anne didn't hear anything he just said after her name. She was frozen in shock. She did it. She actually did it. She was going to be the first girl to play for the Miners. She looked behind her. Ainsworth looked like he was about to punch some drywall, his eyes almost red, as if he was about to burst into tears. She felt Thomas Sowden clap her on the back, whispering his congratulations. She smiled back and him and the rest of the team. Even though most of them were grade-A assholes, they were her teammates now, and they had to work together. It still didn't seem real. Anne could have stayed planted to the spot for the rest of the day, just watching the clouds pass her by as she tried to ground herself into the field so she didn’t just float away with them. That is, until Ainsworth swept Ann into a deep, passionate kiss behind her.

She was so in her own head, she didn't even notice her approaching. She looked at the couple as they kissed. Both had their eyes closed, and while Ainsworth looked like he was doing his best to drill a hole in Ann's soft palette with his tongue, Ann looked different. She was kissing back, but her eyebrows were scrunched up like they were in Stats class and she had just been tasked with solving a particularly difficult problem. In an instant, the kiss was over, and Anne forced herself to look away, trying to pretend she hadn't been watching. Of course, it didn't work. Ainsworth stalked off with a knowing smirk, all traces of his disappointment gone, satisfied that he had basically ruined her day to the best of his ability. Without a second glance, Ann ran over, and mistook her saddened expression as a reflection of her failure to make the team.

"Oh, Anne, I can't believe this, I'm so sorry, it'll be ok," Ann said as she wrapped her arms around her. Anne gripped her around the shoulders and pulled her back to look at Anne's face, which was now sporting a comically large grin. Ann knew by that look that she had been wrong, and immediately launched herself back into Anne's arms, throwing her legs around Anne's waist. Instinctually, her hands went to Ann's thighs, catching her before she fell. Before they both knew it, the two were almost face to face. Their new position put Ann just slightly above her, and Ann's hands came to rest at the sweaty nape of her neck. Anne could feel her heart beating against Ann's chest, and some part of her knew that Ann felt it too. The two just stood there for a second, alone on the field. A million things were racing through Anne's mind right now.

"So, how about that pizza and movie? I certainly think this calls for a celebration," Anne asked, not trusting herself to say anything else.

"You're on."

A few hours later, after a much-needed shower and change of clothes, Anne was sitting on her couch, writing in her notebook. She carried it with her everywhere she went, and while she wouldn't go so far as to call it a diary, it was currently home to a bunch of her sappy poetry about Ann. She was just finishing out the last line, inspired by their latest summer camping trip, when she heard the door swing open. Anne closed the notebook immediately at Ann's entrance, so familiar the she didn't even knock anymore. In her hands, Ann carried an old favorite of theirs: _The School of Rock_. The two of them had basically memorized the movie, they had seen it so many times, so Anne knew that tonight was going to be less about movie watching and more about talking. Anne got up to greet her with a warm hug and lead her into the kitchen, where the break and bake chocolate chip cookies lay beside a cookie sheet, ready to be placed and put in the oven. The two girls completed the monotonous activity almost in silence. Ann seemed like she wanted to stay something, but every time Anne looked at her expectantly, she broke eye contact and simply shook her head. After Anne got up to call Giorgio's and place their usual order, she found Ann sitting on the couch, gazing intently at the notebook she had left lying there. When Anne caught her looking, Ann averted her eyes and blushed.

"Sorry, I was just...curious. You know, you're always writing in this thing, and for the longest time I've wondered what's in it. I know it's sort of private, and I don't really have a right to ask, but-"

"No, I'd be happy to show you what I'm working on right now. It's a poem, for the magazine," Anne lied easily, moving the notebook into her hands, trying to get it away from Ann. She wanted to put her foot in her mouth: why did she say that? Nevertheless, now she had no choice but to start reading. She focused her eyes on the page, desperate not to look at Ann, and began.

_I want to walk in the woods_

_Inhale red leaves_

_Let the death invigorate me_

_The guiltless pleasure_

_The raw exchange of life_

_Makes my beating heart_

_Flap like the wings_

_Of birds gone away_

_Taking with them the sounds of a summer_

_When I lived_

_Full and perfect somehow_

_In the confines of my own skin_

_When my love_

_Blossomed into so many decadent apples_

_That populate the ancient trees_

_When it crunched below the feet of another_

_Admired but ignored_

_Leaving behind an empty winter shell_

_In which my love shall reside 'till springtime._

It was only until Anne finished the poem that she allowed herself to look up again at Ann. Her eyes were shining, much like they had this morning, with an unreadable emotion that Anne couldn't place.

"Wow, just...wow. I mean, I knew you were a good writer, I've proofread your essays for English Lit, but I didn't know you were, like, _that_ good. Anne, that was beautiful, really, thank you for sharing that with me," Ann said warmly.

"I'm glad you liked it," Anne responded, blushing despite herself. "You know that I've never been with anyone before, so I worry sometime that when I write about love it sounds kind of fake. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I mean, for you ...you have Ainsworth and all, I'm sure it makes much more sense, so I'm glad it came through," Anne finished quietly.

"Do I?" Ann asked facetiously, looking away.

"I don't know, _do_ you?" Anne asked, forcing her to make eye contact.

"It's not that I don't care about him, I do, and in general, he's a great boyfriend, very sweet and attentive for the most part. It's just.... sometimes our relationship feels like it’s not gelling. For one thing, he's always been really religious, and I thought that was something we shared, which made me feel happy, but...he's not the kind of religious I am, I don't think. I love God, and I believe in the Bible, but some of the things he says sometimes...it's like, look buddy, Jesus didn't say that!" Ann exclaimed passionately. Anne knew from church and Sunday school together that both Ann and she shared a very liberal view of Jesus's teachings, and she was willing to bet most of the money in her wallet that Ainsworth didn't share those views. Still, she couldn't resist probing further-did Ann know truly how homophobic he was?

"What kinds of things does he say?"

"Well, one thing that really irks me is how he views women. It's like in his mind, I'm his property, almost. According to his grand plan, we're already going to get married right after high school. I'm not ready for marriage, not with anyone, and we've only been together a year, so that just doesn't make sense. We always talk about his vision of the future, never mind college or art school or any of my dreams beyond being barefoot and pregnant in his kitchen. When I told him I didn't want kids, he looked at me like I had two heads and quoted some gross Bible passage about procreation. Sometimes it just feels like he doesn't care about what I want or need. Beyond that, I don't know if I feel that _thing_ with him. You know, that spark, the longing for each other and only each other. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him, I want to really know that I'm making the right choice, and that I'll be with someone who wants all of me, not just what he thinks he can mold me into," Ann finished resolutely.

"Wait, wait, wait.... marriage, kids? Have you two even, like, _done_ it yet?"

Ann blushed bright red, but just then, the pizza arrived, granting her a momentary reprieve from answering. Anne wasn't going to let the subject go, however. After sitting back down, she prompted Ann again with a look.

"Oh, fine fine fine, no, we haven't done it yet, not for lack of trying on his part," Ann trailed off, clearly relieving some painful memories. Anne felt anxiety rise in her chest as she realized the implications.

"He isn't.... forcing himself on you, is he?" Anne asked nervously with fear in her voice.

"No, no, nothing like that, it's just, when we're together and things are...heating up, so to speak, he always wants to go further than I want to. Then, when I slam the breaks, he gets all butthurt about it and it totally ruins the mood anyway," Ann explained with frustration. As her best friend, Anne felt like it was her duty to try and make things better for her. And since she couldn't ramble on about how much she hated Ainsworth for fear of revealing her own feelings, she resolved to switch to her requisite humor instead.

"I can't believe he's even trying at this point, I mean, you did say in Bible study in seventh grade in front of everyone that you were planning on saving yourself until marriage, so he should really quit while he's ahead," Anne joked, trying to embarrass her. It worked.

"You suck, Anne Lister! That was one time when all the parents were in the room, you know that's the only reason why I said it! Besides, I don't think I could wait that long to....to get what I want. I think it might kill me, actually," Ann said with a cute little snort. At that comment, Anne's heart did a little flip in her chest, like it always did when she was momentarily reminded that Ann wasn't a celestial, asexual being but instead a living, breathing, human woman with very real desires.

"Hey, I hear you..." Anne said back to her, not really knowing how else to respond to such a remark.

After getting up to take the cookies out of the oven, Ann returned back to the couch.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything, shoot."

"How did you know you were gay?"

That was not the question she had been expecting at all. She didn't know what sort of question she had been expecting, but it certainly was not that.

"Uh, well, I guess it really started in middle school. I saw my brother spending time with his girlfriend and things of that nature, and of course that was the age when all the people in our grade started going to the movies and getting ice cream and such and calling that a relationship. I never had any real interest in men, but I told myself for a while that I would grow into it and that I just hadn't found the right one yet. One time I overheard Marian describing her dream wedding to a friend, and how she would feel when she met the man she was going to marry at the end of the aisle, and there was just such a complete disconnect for me. I had _never_ imagined that, and when I tried, I found it frightened me. Then, I started looking at the girls instead, and it all sort of clicked. I wanted to share my life with a woman, I wanted a woman walking down the aisle towards _me,_ and any other option just seemed completely counterintuitive at that point. Does that answer your question?"

That was partially the case. What Anne conveniently left out was that when she spoke of looking at girls, she really just meant looking at Ann. That it had finally made sense why Anne had wanted to be the "Dad" when they played house together all those years ago as children. That she had dreamed of their wedding day a thousand times over.

"Yes, thank you," Ann replied, looking...disappointed? Anne couldn't quite say.

"Why do you ask?" Anne said before she could stop herself.

Ann took a long time to answer. "It's just that you always seemed so sure of your feelings, like you knew you were supposed to feel that way, even though you haven't been with anyone before. Sometimes I wish I had that sort of clarity, with my own feelings. Sometimes I feel like I don't like men....as I should. Not that I have to, it's just, the thing my girlfriends talk about, what you said in your poem and all.... I don't have that with Thomas. I don't know if I've ever had it at all, with any boy, ever," Ann finished almost in a whisper, like she was afraid to even be speaking the words out loud.

Anne was having trouble finding her own words-was Ann really admitting to her that she was questioning her sexuality? Was that why she had been acting weird for the past week?

"Have you ever felt it with...with anyone else?" Anne asked, genuinely afraid of the answer this time. She moved her body closer to Ann's so she could look her directly in the eye, as if that would help her answer the burning questions she had.

".... Yes."

Now she had to know. "With who?"

At this question, Ann turned as white as a sheet. She opened her mouth, trembling as she was about to give her answer.

Suddenly, there was a plunking and creaking sound as Ann's sister Elizabeth went up the front porch steps and opened the door to the house, greeting the pair as she moved noisily through the house, her newfound presence felt profoundly. Ann and Anne sprung apart immediately, the tension between them broken instantly. The moment was over, and Ann had retreated back into her private, shy self once more. Anne knew when not to push Ann, and she was so genuinely confused by the the interaction herself that she didn’t even have the wherewithal to inquire further. For now, she just had to let it go. The two got ready for bed almost on auto-pilot, in a rather uncomfortable silence. She found herself just standing in Ann's pink room. surrounded by the sight of her cheering trophies, childhood pictures, and the four-poster bed that lay in the center of it all.

That's why Anne was all the more surprised when Ann motioned for her to get into bed with her. It wasn't an unusual occurrence; the girls normally shared a bed whenever Anne slept over, but tonight felt distinctly different from any other sleepover. A wall between them had been broken through, and they were now treading on new ground, ground that neither person had any idea how to move on. Ann simply looked at Ann for a beat, before reaching over her head and turning off the lamp on her bedside table.

"Goodnight, Anne," she said softly, not looking her in the eye, but instead just resting her head on Anne's shoulder and closing her eyes, her legs moving to tangle with Anne's below the soft covers. She had no choice but to wrap her arms around the other girl, and breathe in her sweet smell, and feel her steady heartbeat next to her own. Anne felt like a livewire, wide awake. It seemed like she stayed in that one position for hours, completely unmoved. She didn't even remember falling asleep until she woke up early the next morning, the sun's rays streaming through Ann's windows gently. Normally at this hour, she would still feel groggy, but spending the night holding Ann close had also meant a deep, comfortable sleep. No, right now she felt the opposite of tired-she felt energized. The blood pumping through her veins and Ann sleeping next to her seemed to be the reminder her body needed that she was here in this moment on Earth, and that her life was just beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> so what did we think? please let me know what you liked, what you didn't, or what you are looking forward to in the comments-i love hearing from you guys!. fair warning, i am about to go on a service trip for about a month with my cousin and i don't know how much time i will have to write, so if you don't see an update for a while, you know why. i will do my best to get it up in the next several weeks. bye for now, and thank you again for reading!!


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